And your husband needs to grow the eff up and be supportive of your daughters interests. Did I fight with my dad as a teenager? My parents eventually got divorced, and I actually think without that, I might not have such a good relationship with my father (who I am much more like as an adult than my mother) or the family on his side, because of how my mom made it us against him when I was little. Tell them in detail what you like about them. Did I always do things he would agree with necessarily? I wanted nothing to do with my dad for a long time. I was shocked that a father is rolling his eyes and telling his daughter that her interests annoy him. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that WE end up with ridiculous escalating fights.. I think what Wendy is missing in her response is dealing with the fathers attitude towards his daughters interests. A lot of them could lean into things he likes Firefly could lead into an interest in science. I think she may have deactivated. "So last night, I did everything exactly the same way, but it was a disaster. Encouraging both of them to try more and be respectful would be a good start. Meh, I wouldnt call him a total jerk, I can see getting frustrated that not only does your daughter not enjoy the samethings as you, but now all of the sudden your wife doesnt either, just because your daughter doesnt. All other things aside, Im actually a fan of those assignments. I guess I dont know exactly how he does it, but in our house we have things like that but with politics/government because I believe it is truly important to understand our government, how it works, how it doesnt work, and how our beliefs affect our views. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. (even though his tone and demeanor sound indefensively harsh, cruel and mean.). We laughed because the one garden that got me actually excited and interested (the Japanese gardens) was her least favorite and is also my dads favorite type of gardens. If your husband wants a good relationship with his daughter he must first quit disparaging her and her interests and he must quit rolling his eyes. First, remember that it is normal for there to be some conflict between a parent and child. lets_be_honest Id like you to point out the things that you find fun or interesting along the way so I can see it from your eyesand then next week, the new Star Trek movie is out on DVD, so I would love for you to watch it with me. Maybe raising a daughter with a social perspective. And he lived 10 minutes away from us. He should be talking to his wife about how he feels alienated when it is the three of them, but this is an issue between him and his wife. I get that it is tough to have her be mad at you sometimes even though you really enjoy the things she does, but that is just part of being a parent, and keeping a healthy marriage. You will learn from all of them. lbh based on the LWs description do you really think this is the same as your experience? You didnt cause the problem, and you cant fix it. Maybe shell end up in the entertainment industry, or become a writer. He doesnt have to like Star Trek, but he can respectfully engage her when she talks about this topic. lets_be_honest Good stuff all around! Do you have any idea how thrilled he was? I didnt say she was liking or disliking things to get close to her daughter. July 2, 2013, 2:09 pm, Absolutely agree. As always, your anonymity is golden. This is a throw away account. I had loving parents, and I thought Wendy was off and the dad seems a bit off and sounds degrading. My father (and mother, if I want to be totally honest) would criticize anything that my sister and I had an interest in, regardless of how much value it did or did not have. The dad needs to get over his superiority complex and then the daughter might stop pulling away. I agree with Wendy here. Liquid Luck This young girl sounds like shes already quite cultured! Over time, you may have begun to feel a little desperate, wondering if there wasnt some sort of underlying game going on. When I was growing up, I always watched The Andy Grifith Show, My Three Sons, and Leave it to Beaver, because those were the shows that were on, and I love those shows, but my father didnt force me to watch them, it was just what was on TV at the time. A parent should NEVER make fun of their child. Oh trust me, the Buffy fanbase is alive and strong just go check out r/Buffy! This jealousy can manifest in destructive behavior, such as belittling his wife or trying to undermine her relationships with others. That said, its important to try to resolve the conflict constructively. I think you are probably right. No matter how much mom encourages their relationship, the child is hearing Dad thinks Im stupid.. She SHOULD be more informed and its good that her dad wants her to be. By contrast, my dad wanted me to play softball and had no interest in the books I used to read. The Inner Light Seriously. Weird. When I asked why she didn't say something to him then, she said that they only ever talk about college stuff and the moment never seems to be quite right. July 2, 2013, 12:06 pm. I intervene and quieten things down when I can, but it's not easy and I am at the point of wondering whether it's all worth the effort. He is also very critical of both of US I would call that well-rounded. July 2, 2013, 10:50 am. Haha, are you saying I should stop saying that listening to Taylor Swift on repeat is annoying? But I see why he would so Im giving him the benefit of the doubt. because I think that as the teen years progress you will need some better strategies to deal with the 2 strong personalities that surround you. But his way is tearing them apart, to the point where she and I look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him. At this age I wouldnt try to force her to do activities she doesnt like because it just results in lots of anger and bad attitude and whining. Though unsettling, your partner was not boring. We had some past issues that affected our relationship. Heck Yes! July 2, 2013, 11:56 am. YUCK. One teenager in the house is bad enough But TWO must be exhausting. Moreover, his interests could actually I dunno help make her a more well rounded person. I think This Old House was all overbut only we know Miss Judy. Really truly. I didnt read an us vs. him vibe at all. Meanwhile, hed try to force what he thought was important onto me. Shes all the better for it. So you need to be more encouraging of her spending time with him and stop acting like a little club. Here are eight ways to tell if your partner is harming your relationships with your family. July 3, 2013, 1:06 am, Honestly, no matter WHAT the mom was a fan of my response would have been the same. Its so longgggggggg! But that means he has to find something that *will* interest her, which means hes got to make some effort as well. July 2, 2013, 11:40 am. Being oblivious to financial matters. So maybe Mom here does need to let go, and open the daughter up to a better relationship with Dad. That sounds awful, Im, so sorry. It sounds like this dad is a bit of a jerk, who when he introduces something and she isnt into it makes fun of her. Not while professing such love for me and genuinely remorseful when Im upset. Scifi and fantasy have an adult audience for a reason (and a lot of the scientists on your husbands shows were inspired to study it because of Star Trek and the like). Hah! I dont get the sense that the dad is making any effort to get to know his daughter he just wants a reflection of himself and is acting like an immature ass in the process. Crazy-makers often give up the love they most desperately need when they feel any sense of an obligatory payback. I fell in love with football and cooking and baseball, which were things he loved. Saying they were weird made me feel like the lesser for having been touched by their stories. As you agree, there needs to be a balance and it sounds like Dad is the only one whose realized that. I have to agree to me the dads attitude is the problem here. And LW, just because there is communicating going on around you doesnt mean that your family has good, healthy, communication. Amazing job today! Also, this is tangential, but Im always amused/annoyed when people are criticized for being geeks but if the topic at hand were sports, no one would say a thing. Unless you are from PA, of course. So, tell your husband to make an effort with her rather than making her feel like shit about her choices. But when I turned my attention towards nurturing my marriage, even though the kids got less attention, they started feeling more secure. Its so easy to kill that spark in a child, well done to the mum for supporting her daughter in doing what she loves! lets_be_honest He thinks it's ridiculous. When children become teenagers, they sometimes start to distance themselves from their parents. And, as I am sure you know from previous experience, exploding doesn't make anything better. So I was just assuming it happened similarly for LW and her daughter. Heck no! They Dont Want Their Marriage To End Up Like Yours, 4. He's just as cool and aloof with me these days and I'm not sure how I feel about him anymore. Seriously, the concept of the Q is what puts me on the agnostic end of atheism. Her daughter should stop liking it just because her mother likes it. honeybeenicki I recommend that the LW keep a very close eye on this. bittergaymark The eye-rolling and making the daughter feel bad about her interests is not cool. Totally agree on the respect issue. You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. My mom and I were not friends like this, and she let my dads bullying escalate to keep the peace. For every outing he chooses and she doesnt like, they should also choose something together that they can both enjoy (for example, shes into Star Trek and hes into science, so go to a space museum). Its full of teen girls going crazy for Star Trek. And every once in a while, he needs to do something he doesnt like because SHE wants to do it, and he loves her. In my case, Im sure there would have been something else to criticize if I was a different kid. But in general, I lol at people who spit on the nerdy stuff. painted_lady I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy.. Agree i cant imagine being receptive to spending time with my dad when it consists of him mocking what my 12-year old self likes AND assigning me reading assignments. Awesome post, Wendy The whole time reading the letter I was feeling a bit sorry for the dad, but mostly in the sense of Wow, sucks for him that hes such a big fat pain in the ass and no one likes him. Then I read your response and realized even if he is a pain in the ass, Mom has lots to work on too. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed, to the extent that he gives her assignments, like reading articles from National Geographic and discussing them with him, which, of course, she resents. My eldest daughter left for university five years ago and has never come home, though I do chat with her by phone. Be happy that your daughter has a father who wants to be involved in her life. And like I said above, I like the idea of assignments to widen your daughters horizons. So, here is the thing. That doesnt mean you cant enjoy shared interests together, but just do so as mother and daughter, not BFFs. Interested in science? MY HUSBAND is not an emotional man and has always found it difficult to talk about how he feels. They have to come at this from a position of mutual respect. My mom hated most of those things and really didnt make an effort to get involved. Asshole My son had his wedding days ago. If your daughter is still willingly doing these activities I dunno since most teenagers are rather bratty and self absorbed and not keen on doing things they dont enjoy Id hazard a guess she finds them more fun than you would like. I got the same vibe you did. Honestly, it doesnt dominate my life My improv group had NO idea I was into Star Wars until it came up in a scene and my knowledge of it was rather startling to ALL involved. This is the one person in the entire world who truly has your back. Awesome show full of information. July 3, 2013, 3:16 am. I am a nurse who works night shifts, and I have a working son, 21, and student daughter 20. my husband and their father died 3 years ago, and I have been working steadily. He's always putting him down. 20 years later, Im crazy close with both of my parents. July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm. If he constantly puts her down she will not like him and she will not respect him because she knows that he has no respect for her. Sometimes that means taking a step back and letting things calm down before you try to mediate. The advice to the LW is good, but she cannot change her husbands behavior. What To Do When My Husband Is Driving My Daughter Away? This mother needs to chill out a bit. THIS is the problem, not the fact that a 12-year-old girl likes 12-year-old girl things. But he always treated me like an adult and respected and loved me and I think he had a huge hand in making me a pretty confident 24 year old woman and I know what I want and deserve from boyfriends. My feeling is that its closer to the first scenario, and the LW is making it seem worse than in is. I wish you hadnt been so dismissive of counseling or parenting sessions (or PAIRS workshops, they are designed for couples but work great for family relationships as well!!) Sorry Wendy (and LW) I think your answer was as wrong as it was long. He played the songs over and over and he had albums (and still does) and he would play them and copy them to the cassette so we could listen to them in the car together (pre CD times). Ask the dentist: Why can some people not cope with the word 'fat'? I thought Wendys first sentence was actually pretty snotty which surprised the heck out of me. Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. Well-intentioned, devoted partners of crazy-making people can become obsessed with trying to find the magic potion that will make their partners happy and appreciative of their efforts. Navigating a situation like this can be difficult, but its important to do what you can to resolve the conflict. If the individual is below the legal age of drinking at 21, the BAC level is usually around 0.02. He does not say that to her but expresses it to me. That was my guess too. Extend invitations on appropriate occasions. findingtheearth Also, by disparaging the hobbies of the daughter, he is also disparaging his wifes interests. Hes embarrassing her. And make it a good one. You raised a very good point that I didnt even mention. Another possibility is that her husband doesnt understand how to connect with his daughter on an emotional level. Ross says it definitely would have beenif not for his tendency towards horrific sea-sickness. However, its wife that wrote in. Im sure its frustrating for him, I just think hes reacting in a jerk-ish way. Tell her how much he appreciates it. 6napkinburger Ive been there. Discuss that there are other things to talk about sure. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. 2. He had an inflated sense of self-importance that led him to believe he was superior and entitled to only the best. My husband is a HUGE Firefly fanboy. The point here is that Mom seems to allow her to only have interest in those things, which is bad. And my husband tried; he can shoot bow and arrow (his dads favorite) very well, can recognize animal tracks, knows a number of out-doorsy tricks.it was never good enough.
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