I dont want to hear it so I dont go out anymore. Like you my life has changed completely I feel I am a different person, Im not sure I know myself. I am grateful. I feel so cheated. Freind I have no interest in life. I dont think Ill ever be ok again. "The most beautiful moments always seemed to accelerate and slip beyond one's grasp just when you want to hold onto them for as long as possible.". This thread started an hour after and on the day my wife Shellie passed. She was my heart, my everything. I understand perfectly. I can relate to nearly everyones pain, grief and hopelessness. He was my life he was the father of my beautiful children. . Fighting for our lives, our very existence. My son took me shopping after my husband died and there was almost nothing I could eat that didnt remind me of him. And it still hurts. I would do anything to hear the words mommy. He was doing well until a infection set in eventually going to his brain. If I could take all of her hurt and put it on my own heart I would. This will never end, will it? My days run together, its the absolute worst heartache Ive ever experienced. It is not till something happens in your life that you realise your not alone. Its impossible for other people to understand if they havent experienced this loss. The cancer was already in his liver when they found it, so all that could be done is chemo to give him a little more time. I so feel everyones painandI am so sorry, Dear Holly Just read your email and do know how you feel I as with my Husband for 59years Married for 56 of them he passed away just over a year ago, We said we would be around till we were 90 as we were never ill really enjoyed good health, Then he wasnt well one night and went to Hospital and a junior Doctor used a wrong catheter and after that he was never the same and a year later he died. But the grieving does not last all day but while it going on its intense. March 27th of this year she was placed on hospice. I was a person with very strong faith, but this life changing event has caused me to question all Ive ever believed. I am a musician I play guitar a song that I came across hit me like bricks its called, Something You Get Though by Willie Nelson look it up. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. I pushed my way through year one, just knowing that if I could make it through that then all would be better. But I think this is probably normal, and its certainly normal for me. And while they still come, they come further apart. Im so incredibly sad all day, everyday. I lost my son 2 years ago at age 24. Synonyms for PASSED AWAY: fallen, gone, deceased, declining, departed, defunct, lifeless, deteriorating; Antonyms of PASSED AWAY: live, alive, living, existing . My husband was a juvenile diabetic since his teen yrs. And that you do, move on with your life. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you dont really want them to. I lost my wife 14 months ago, we its been 18 months since i lost my mum. My brain is no longer frantic to fix it, as it was during the entirety of the first year. That was the dilemma facing Americans who received $1,200 stimulus payments in 2020 by paper check or direct deposit, in the names of deceased spouses and other family members. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. I work to subsidize my SS. Pray. My health has been severely affected with a flare up of an autoimmune disease which ironically and surprisingly has helped teach me to live more in the moment and not have too much anxiety about the future. I thought I was going crazy, until I came to this post. memories we had together. It broke my heart to watch him suffer. My dad also died suddenly Oct 21 2019 He was in good health and cancer free . I too, was 54 and now in my second year of grief. I miss him so much . It all came back like it was the first few days after he passed. 1 time she was just glowing and smiling but did not talk. I lost my son and then his father 150 days later. Its even worse cuz he was a body builder and him losing all his strength in front of me has devastated me h was so strong they it all. I sometimes want him to come into the room so badly that I almost believe he will, but then the futility of this hoping hits me and the excruciating desolation that I then feel has me screaming and screaming although no sound is coming out its all internalized. Sleeping at night is very difacult. I never imagined I would grieve so hard. I think everyone thinks I should have moved on and gotten over it. I feel so sorry that my wife had so much pain to go though and nothing could save her life. They are 53 years old 50 years old and 47. Ive always been in control of my life & now Im not. But, my life, as a widower, as a single man, did not include them just like, I really didnt fit into their life I wasnt their sister, their aunt, or theyre best friend. Perhaps because of expectation expecting to feel better and then feeling even more disappointed and sad when they didnt. Its the hardest thing to go through. I cant write it but feel it and I feel it with you. How could you leave me alone? )the two dogs were winning for mamma. Its too hard to live without them. tractable in google analytics Others think you are strong and doing fine. When I met her she had 5 Children then we had a Son together, and 3 are still home with me and it just seems that sometimes it wont get better. I wasnt look for a new realationship I was coping . It was completely unexpected as he was fairly young and never had health issues. Sounds crazy right. Still in a trance i suppose on autopilot she was only 52. For example, if DATEDIF (DATE (1969,7,16),DATE (1969,7,24),"D") returns 1/4/1900, the Date . Im angry at everyone, especially myself. Im in a stage where Im desperatly trying to remember everything about the time we had together. grief come anytime. I finally am getting some grief counseling and it helps me to know that Im doing pretty well on the widowhood scale. My husband has been gone since April 2018. Look for feathers its a sign there near you. I hate that people talk about it as a loss like divorce or getting laid off. Christmas is upon us. And I felt thankful that they went together and that they had each other. I pray daily that God would take me so that I could be with my wife. One day at a time! I feel them close. But in between waves, there is life. I lived with her the last 8 yrs of her life & cared for her for the last 3 yrs. Its heart breaking One of our dogs (Milo) a king Charles took a stroke two months before and died. Take Care and Thank You, Your email address will not be published. My heart goes out to you all. I feel so guilty that Im not crying everyday now. We see your attributes and qualities in each other and in our children and we know you are living on through those you loved." "It's been three years since you left us, father, and you are still in my heart. If a child receives Survivors benefits, he or she can get up to 75 percent of the deceased parent's basic Social Security benefit. We were supposed to grow old together. i found myself googling for months trying to understand the event how it happened and could i have avoided it. You are in mourning feeling grief and sorrow at the loss. My situation a little different. She passed after 8 months. She never gave up and her hope was as strong as ever. The first year was mostly like a in shock, autopilot, anxiety driven adrenaline survival mode. At least we always made sure to tell each or other I love you before we parted on the phone or in person.And although there was a bit of a gap between us they were there for every stage of my life as a baby they helped my mom with me not because they had to no they wanted to,as a child they were my heros then as time went on the feeling was mutual and a bond grew He was retired and they always stood at the window and waved me off in the morning. Its been little over seven months. tiny ways is has, just very hard to move People say you need to find love again. It can be so isolating. When we finished, I went to my studio to work for a couple hours. I lost 2 strong important women in my family at the end of 2018. People say that when a door closes, God gives us a window. I feel just like you have expressed. This ache in my heart is unbearable I just want to wake up and feel normal not this horrendous heart ache! My brother died 14 months ago, he was only 23 and it was the biggest shock of our lives. I feel I no purpose and all alone. I have moments of happiness with my grandkids, but when they go home and Im alone, I just want to disappear. married for nearly 35 years and even though I have a Ive thrown myself into work & remodeling the house, just to try & function & portray that Im normal. I loved her so very much and nothing in life has hurt as bad as losing her and the feelings of guilt and believing I murdered her no matter what anyone says. This tiny fragile angel was the strongest person I have ever known. Two hours later my daughter was wondering why Dad didnt reply all of her texts, she tried calling him many times but no answer, 45 minutes later a cop knocked on our door and told me he was in the ER, I didnt think much of it, my oldest daughter ran to the ER where he was ( we live a few feet away from the hospital) while I am taking care of my then 7 years old son. Im at the stage now where Ive accepted this, and Im finding all sorts of ways to help myself exercise, meditation, good food, hobbies, time with friends, whatever helps. I would add that while I have totally accepted the finality of my husbands death I have yet to decide or define my own life now. Navigating that first year, through anniversaries, birthdays and holidays can feel endless. He didnt need to say a word his eyes and actions were everything. So when he got sick I was always there for him. That only means your human and your heart needs to hug and kiss another , to connect. Feeling lost and lonely, my upbringing makes me believe religiously, however I do have doubts, mainly feeling as if I was robbed (which I think is me being selfish). We know we loved each other so much but this terrible addiction to everything away including her now. Thank God, we have 4 children and 10 grandchildren. Some days I just find it impossible to even tackle housework having that cant be bothered feeling and only going out to do the weekly shop. Night. This has to get better and I know in Every moment where I was happy and excited was mixed with sadness and anger that my wife was not experiencing this. I feel that while I will always miss my best friend and suffer great loss and sadness over her death, this home is a tomb of artifacts for me. But learning how to refocus away from the loss and on to small or meaningful distractions will create pockets of respite. I rember the first few days after mums passing I thought I could hear my mums foot steps walking with me, I thought I could see zmy mum in the streets to me she was still here. I have lost a GREAT. We have two adult children and want Finding it hard to move one still. Dad has passed 18 mths now. Hi Heather I feel guilty that I am still mourning the loss after two years of my brother`s passing. I shed MANY tears. Hi everyone. Diagnosed on 3 Feb and gone 14 Feb. She too was everything to me. Never to forget what you hadnever, never, never! I kept two puppies and suddenly have 4 dogs that I enjoy, more than church more than people. I was told by a nurse in hospice to sit with him and let him know Id be alright if he left. The lord has a better plan for me. I try and fill my time, but would rather be hold up in my house and not face the world. I miss him as much today as I ever gave. I dove into Scars are a testament to life. Many of the people I work with are several years past their loss and are struggling with confidence and decision making. Mar 23, 2020 - Explore Pam Jenkins's board "Missing you since you went to Heaven", followed by 387 people on Pinterest. What we never knew was how devastating being left behind could be and continues to be. Also available in CD read by the author. But even after years, every day I'm carrying the pain . I have grown children but they have their lives and are busy with their kids activities. I have been dating someone for six months now. ,sad, I cry for my wife married 33years happy together did every thing together ,, small cel lung cancer. ENSRD. Its little victories like that will shepherd you into what WILL be a happy future. 6. Bit it is difficult if not impossible journey to take by yourself, after suddenly losing someone you have loved & been with for over 30 years. I lost my husband of 34 yrs to a brain tumor 7 weeks after diagnosis. Please believe me I feel your pain but my husband and I have a legacy and I am responsible to carry is on until its my time and I plan to do exactly that. I know its partly because we discussed these remodels b4 he passed & I find myself turning 2 ask his opinion & hes not there. I too have to act for my 2 remaining children because they were so worried about me. But.. Strange as this may sound, I am now finding life even more difficult. I know what you are going through. IR-2022-65, March 23, 2022 Even though the Internal Revenue Service issues most refunds in less than 21 days for taxpayers who filed electronically and chose direct deposit, some refunds may take longer. I would be very grateful. I wont do away with myself, but hope someday soon, it will be over. This is quite normal as animals have qualities our fellow humans do not seem to indicate.Please refer to this link: https://thepetlosscenter.com/our-locations/hampton roads/. Ive been around long enough and I dont really give a damn anymore about this earthly existence. I am now in month 14 and the feeling that I mentioned earlier, that in some way my purpose in life was to grieve, has begun to abate. The first year was like being shipwrecked and all I could do was hang on to the wreckage and try to stay afloat as the storm raged around me. Am I going nuts, or do others feel this way at times also. I know that you have been observing me from Heaven for many years. I always wonder if this normal. My throat hurt so bad, I could hardly talk. Im numb with grief I cant get to church or the cemetery Im constantly in tears and my anxiety is through the roof. Just stay out of my life Im going to do what I want to do I am in love I am happy he loves me just leave me alone and let me have a life. The emotions ambush when I least expect it. I hope you find what works for you, what helps get you through, what makes it bearable to be alive. able to spend every minute with her. This year, it seems as if my thoughts revolve around all the treatment my deceased wife got that didnt help, treatments she could have received, and a yearning for one more. One more smile, a hug, a kiss, a conversation, a meal together. I pray all of you that God will wrap his arms around you. We were told of the poor prognosis but we soldiered on and thought she would somehow wake up and get better. But Istill had hope. I'm marking another Mother's Day without my mom as . creating an adult coloring book with his images that I will share with the world soon. The Other Side of Grief is a series about the life-changing power of loss. There seems no point although I try to pray. We married at age 19. I lost my husband 2 years ago very suddenly, we had been together 43 years. Grief counselling for me in next 3m which helped build confidence. Just to let them know that they arent up here alone. Sibling loss! I am finding this second year incredibly hard to deal with. I have days of no energy or ambition. I just come home and enjoy the dogs and just survive the day. The last few years have been a blur of trauma and sadness. I want him back but I cant have him so Im living in hope that we will be reunited one day. It took at least a year to realize that the evidence I would get was the fact I held on to him. Im so sorry for your lossyour grief appears to be a response to a great connection and therefore a great loss of companionship and love. I pray that these feelings will pass soon as I am so fed up crying. For a special kind of grief support clickhere: GRIEF COACHING. Im in a dead end relationship and basically just exist. Our son, Kevin, died on January 28, 2017. Stay busy. We had planned to do so much during his retirement which never materialised. So I decided to move back home to St. Louis. And yes the expectation is there that you a get close on with things. I just want to say this to you and I know you wont like but I know you know Im right! Express your emotions and honor your loved one's memory through art. its really not any easier especially here at the holidays. Screaming, crying, cursing God, cursing everybody and everything. I agree with those who say the second year and beyond are even worse. So I guess according to her, I should be done with it. "It's been a year since you passed and your presence is always missed.". Ive been struggling but its been manageable. I am short tempered and any direct insult toward me sets me off. They dont want to hear about it anymore. The second year was painful that my wife of 28 years was not experiencing trips I was taking or vacations with our daughters. I try to filter the thoughts in my mind so as not to feel the pain. I thought or believed that the following year it would have been easier, but I was wrong. She was 96. Honey I dont want to do this anymore. People are cruel regarding mourning time. But, I want to share some discoveries I found that may bring a glimmer of hope and moment of peace in your journey with grief and suffering. Keep the cat 's routine the same. Im actually looking forward to doing this and seeing hopefully my mom and other loved ones on the other side! Though it's been years now since you were taken away, the memories are still strong, and I wish you were here today. I feel I can,t cope. Were in the club that no one wants to join. Some days are better than others. I felt silly doing it, but she probably had a point. Idk what to do anymore. Breast cancer took her from me and my three little babies (now 13 and 9 y/o). There is always an emptyness in my heart. Ill keep tip toeing forward and maybe attempt to wave at someone carrying their boulder on the tight rope next to me. Hospitals wouldnt admit. Everything reminds me of him and I find myself distancing myself from people and things that were familiar to us both. I will always keep part of him with me. Dear Everyone who is suffering and grieving a lossI hear and feel your pain and suffering. Over 57 years, my Mom had been an officer, board member and choir member. There are still things in life you must accomplish. The federal government had sent stimulus payments to about 1.1 million dead people totaling nearly $1.4 billion. How much more do we enjoy the movie or party that we thought was going to be terrible? It left me very melancholy. Im human and nothing is odd about what I am going through. We never thought this type of loss could happen to us. The one thing I found was when my mum passed I felt lonely even though there were people around me. It's been 20 years since you passed. I have noticed such an immense change in my body (so thin) and just overall mental behaviour (loner, no energy for anything or anyone). the answer is your husband was not in the ambulance, its empty. I lost my wife as well, my best friend o 32 years. Then my son came to mind, he was having fun with his dad before he left for a walked, now hell wake up without him. My husbands emotional return As far as these holidays coming up, i dont know how to get thru these,,,i feel time flying by as far as missing out, and yet its also dragging when it comes to healing. We talked about everything. Megan truly gets it. After being married 53 years I just have no idea what to do without him. Every day is a struggle doing better with Councellor,but I miss him sooooo much I lost my husband 15 months ago. I just want five minutes with my mum. You never know whats going to trigger the grief. It is really hard to get through this if you do not take care of your bodies needs- water, food and rest as well as some exercise. Him and I were very close. I am living in France and English is my second langue. Even though my brother was in the military for twenty four years and had been gone most of the time from the family. We were married 33 wonderful years and I cherish the time we had. it has suddenly hit home I will never get on that plane to see him, Ill never be able to bring him home and look after him like he looked out for me. i am approaching the second year since my wife died unexpected she went to visit our son and died of a brain aneurysm non his front lawn- Married 36 years- every day is a struggle and as busy as i try to be having two children in their thirties i still feel so lonely when i am alone at bedtime, it is inconceivable that i can be happy again. and of course my rat terrier Polly. My heart seems too heavy to carry inside this body. Its horrific. I talk to my husband. even though she had been ill a long time she was taken in an It seem hes moving farther & farther away I wish I could say I was moving closer to the time I will see him again, but his absence is absolutely crushing, and all I can see is that he is not here anymore my beloved guy. Looking for an answer. He passed on January 28, 2018. And his angles are looking over you. They say time is a great healer but somehow it does not seem to be. I also lost my husband to pulmonary fibrosis although he also developed two tumours on his lung. I dont really like the person I am at the moment, but am hopeful I will feel more complete, When my husband was ill and I spent a lot of time stressed and worried, I told a friend that previously my life had been like a bracelet of pearls, but now the pearls were interspersed with pebbles, no more complete happiness. Most of the time I cover my feelings up so people dont know how I really feel. Many days I cling stubbornly to the memories of him and even to the grief as I do not want to let anymore of him go. . My heart still beats, but my mind is not into anything. We have 4 daughters 24,21 and twin 15 year olds. I want to share with you all what happened to me last night. Hope you are looking after yourselves in these uncertain times. I am ready to lie in bed until I am gone. I miss him so much. I try to be strong for everyone but cry myself to sleep most nights not sure what Im supposed to do next. My spouse passed away a limitless more than year ago . This second year is so hard in a different non-surreal way. I stay busy. Robin. I can barely cope. I am interested in hearing how it went for yall. If you can please,get out there a start to live..it a different life but it needs living. In March of this year, she said to me on are way to the hospital. I wish I could believe it is going to be ok but I dont feel that way. I have not traveled this road as long as you have but I can not imagine a time where I will not miss my love nor a time when tears and despair will not arise but I can see where I will be better though it may be a long time from now. I just loved my husband so much as we were together 49 years and never spent any time apart. Dear Tracy, I know it is hard, but I have a wonderful story to share. i am thankful for ever day . From year 2 until now, its not the memories anymore; its the loneliness, the silence, the emptiness There are no winners, are there? I still grieving my life totally revoved around them especially when mum got sick. The third year I thought everything was fine. Like his life was just a blink of an eye.19 year. The way she was with our 4 babies 8-20 years old. Finding him was torture. Patricia, your comments hit home. Granted, it was the best way for him, but he was not sick, i had no warning. I took a lot of pills with the intent to never wake up. I suggest a book by Megan Devine called Its Ok That Youre Not Ok. Blessings to each of you on your journey. At the time before my husband died my wee doggie was expecting puppies. After a few months we started dating- the girls love him- I love him. I wish everyone the best who want to continue their struggles to go on. By doing that, I cheated myself a little but it wouldnt last much. I see little progress in me from when he first passed. This year he would have retired. Not a future without him, because we never lose them, but a future with him in your heart and so much new exciting stuff and people, in your life. It's not a magic trick, just an optical illusion. Thats exactly how I have felt! My husband of 29 years died 21 months ago after a three year illness he was only 55. I am a shell of what I was to never return to the happy go lucky-good guy I was because of my wife. I bring a chair to sit and just stare at the ground. A time we could have reconnected and had some fun after working all these years for that goal. So many comments Ive read hit so close to home. But, by the end of the year, I felt like I survived. Perhaps Im also very worn out as life has been tough & catching up with me. I never got a chance to grieve for my dog and now I was faced to grieve the both of them alone. Im sure that everyone on here can relate to that moment. my life has not been the same since I lost him, thats what I am lost without him and i feel everyone thinks i should have made more progess than i have. Sending love and hugs to you all put there. One day it will be my turn. All destroyed by diagnosis of lung spread to brain cancer just 2 days before our 2nd daughters wedding. I just can not move forward as fast as they can. May God bless your soul. The first year was painful. I didnt aadd anything vital to this topic but I came across it and just thought to vent a little.